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Moved From TCMCity: What is the Classic Cinema College

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Moved From TCMCity: What is the Classic Cinema College

Postby Lzcutter » May 7th, 2007, 4:56 pm

Suppose there was a college where the instructors were some of our favorite thespians from the studio era? Who would your faculty members be? What classes would they teach? Please share your favorite choices for "professors" here!

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My Classic Cinema College is a small school, so many of the academicians juggle two fields of study. Here are some of the professors whose classes I’d like to audit:

Edward Everett Horton, Full Professor of Management and Botany
Long experience in the non-academic world as an amanuensis to several show biz teams led to Prof. Horton’s marked interest in financial and personal management. Hums to himself quite often. Known as Lovey to his friends. No one knows why.

John Garfield, Associate Professor of Philosophy, Urban Studies and the Sweet Science.
His thesis (in progress): An examination of the fates, the destinies, whoever they are that decide what we do or don't get.
Sure, sure, so he doesn’t have tenure. What are you gonna do? Kill him? Everybody dies.

Cary Grant, Professor of Speech and Romance Languages
In addition to a polished way with words, he also holds the Huxley Chair in Paleontology. Has a marked aversion to leopard prints. Used to work in South America for a time, which may account for his deep tan. Likes to serve warm milk on a tray to his students after a good lecture.

Pat O’Brien, Professor of Art History and Sports and Fitness Administration
In addition to his coaching the football team, teaching sportsmanship and his other advisory duties, O’Brien also teaches—believe it or not—art history. Or at least he did once, though that is rumored to have ended badly with a crack up. Said to have an unfortunate but bright son with green hair. Often seen in the company of Prof. Cagney, (see below). Noted for his piety, but likes to have a good time.

Bela Lugosi, Professor of Paranormal Studies and Romanian History
Lectures are delivered only through the night school division. Has assistant Dwight “flyboy” Frye, (other nickname: Renfrew), who acts as liaison between students and staff. Lugosi is quite popular with pale goth chicks, who follow him around campus in a pack.

Sam Jaffe, Professor of Comparative Religion and Medicine
Regarded as highly spiritual. Rumored that he hasn’t a leg to stand on during lectures. I hear that he also teaches a course on the history of Anglo-Indian colonial relations. Hobby: trumpet and mathematical equations.

Fred MacMurray, Professor of Chemistry and Band Director
Awarded the Nobel Prize for the invention of Flubber. Plays a mean saxophone.
Has a girlfriend in a really bad blonde wig who shows up at the darnedest times outside class, usually hiding behind the door.

Percy Kilbride & Marjorie Main, Co-Chairpersons, Agricultural & Animal Husbandry Dept.
Self taught Agronomy experts in their way, this pair shares the duties involved in running the fairly hectic, disorganized department. They are said to have numerous assistants, though no one is certain whether they have 15 or 16 aides. Professor Kilbride is noted for his slowly delivered lectures, during which Professor Main clarifies points using her booming speaking voice and occasional blasts from her shotgun.

Morris Ankrum, Professor of Military History
Retired military man, supposedly from the Air Force. Noted for his blank stare and intimate knowledge of meteors. His lectures, often given serially, tend to veer off at times into rants re: flying ships, (the possibility that he’s injecting classified info into lectures makes him quite popular with conspiracy theorists in the student body.).

James Cagney, Professor of Criminal Justice and Choreography
Allegedly used to be a big shot in the liquor business, or was it the taxi game?
His lectures are known to fly by as he delivers them quite quickly. Tough to take notes, though. A fascinating instructor in the art of movement. Afflicted with periodic migraines.

Edward Arnold, Professor of Business & Ethics
Wrote the book on business practices of the Gilded Age and Depression era.
Somewhat controversial in his devilish views but quite popular with students due to a mellifluous voice that carries to the back of any amphitheater. He’s also rumored to be a great laugher.

Robert Cornthwaite, Professor of Biology, specializing in Arctic Studies
Controversial lecturer noted for his belief that knowledge is more important than life.
Privately, it is rumored that his development was not handicapped by emotional or sexual factors. A noted snappy dresser, favoring ascots and blazers with some obscure insignia on the breast pockets. Works with a more approachable assistant, Prof. Edward Franz, who tries to act as a buffer between disgruntled staff and the frosty Cornthwaite.

Michael Rennie, Visiting Professor of Astronomy
Interesting lecturer whose smooth style and mild manners belie his blunt, somewhat superior attitude toward his sometimes startled students when, on the first day of class, he delivers an ultimatum regarding classwork, using a characteristic royal “we”. He usually states that “Your choice is simple. Join us and live in peace or pursue your present course and face obliteration. We shall be waiting for your answer. The decision rests with you. “
Shares digs with Professor Jaffe, (see above). Hobbies: carpentry and electronics.

Eve Arden, Professor of Women’s Studies and the Sociology of the Family
Known for her keen intelligence and sharp tongue, the lady prof says that she’s convinced that alligators have the right idea since they eat their young. Popular gal at faculty dos, since she’s the only single distaff member among the pedagogues, though she claims that the looks she sometimes get leave little on her and she’s afraid she might catch cold. Rumored to have dated a Mr. Boynton at her old school, though accounts of this individual range wildly from a description of him as ‘looking like a Greek god with gray hair’ to a ‘nebbish’. Hobby: cats
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