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Sailor walks into a bar . . .

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Rita Hayworth
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Rita Hayworth » August 9th, 2014, 4:09 am

moirafinnie wrote:Oh, that was rich. Thanks, Fossy and Masha for your contributions. You made me laugh pretty hard with each of your jests.



And, that's goes second to me ... I always loved a good joke now and then ... :)

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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 10th, 2014, 4:25 pm


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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 12th, 2014, 5:56 pm

"A Test for the Grey Matter"

1. Johnny's mother had three children.
The first child was named April.
The second child was named May.
...What was the third child's name?


2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
.....What does he weigh?


3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
....what was the highest mountain in the world?


4. How much dirt is there in a hole
...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?


5. What word in the English language
...is always spelled incorrectly?


6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
...Why not?


9. If you were running a race,
...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?


10. Which is correct to say,
.... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?


11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
...how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 12th, 2014, 5:59 pm

The Answers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?


Answer: Johnny, of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?


Answer: Meat.


3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?


Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]


4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?


Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.


5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?


Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?


Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?


Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.


9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?


Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.


10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?


Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [duh!]


11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?


Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 12th, 2014, 6:03 pm

Some Things I Know About You


1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.


6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person and everyone does it too.

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knitwit45
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby knitwit45 » August 12th, 2014, 6:04 pm

Fossy wrote:"A Test for the Grey Matter"

1. Johnny's mother had three children.
The first child was named April.
The second child was named May.
...What was the third child's name?
Johnny

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
.....What does he weigh?
Meat

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
....what was the highest mountain in the world?
mt. Everest

4. How much dirt is there in a hole
...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
None, it's a hole



5. What word in the English language
...is always spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?
He lives in Australia, or somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
...Why not?
Ya got me...

9. If you were running a race,
...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
2nd place

10. Which is correct to say,
.... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
neither...it's yellow

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,

...how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
None... He combined(cut) the field
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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Fossy
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Location: Cairns, Qld., Australia

Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 14th, 2014, 5:27 pm

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world

Then He made the world round

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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 14th, 2014, 5:29 pm

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

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knitwit45
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby knitwit45 » August 14th, 2014, 5:56 pm

Oh, geez, I just figured out the wooden leg riddle....duh!!! it doesn't tKe pictures, it's a wooden leg!!!!



More, please!!!!!
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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Fossy
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Location: Cairns, Qld., Australia

Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 15th, 2014, 5:01 pm

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open, and chain pens to the counter?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 15th, 2014, 6:35 pm

Knitwit 45 said

Yup, I really was that young once...Johann Zahn took this, 1685. ;)

You make me feel so young!

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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 24th, 2014, 7:32 pm

Live each day like is is your last--One day you`ll get it right

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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 25th, 2014, 5:49 pm

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height... Let the doctors worry about them...that is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull
you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, dances, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop'....and the devil's name is Alzheimer's.


4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.. Be
ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, conifers, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good,
preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the
mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them,
at every opportunity.

AND ............ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Rita Hayworth
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Rita Hayworth » August 26th, 2014, 8:04 am

Thanks for sharing this Fossy! :)

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knitwit45
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Location: Gardner, KS

Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby knitwit45 » August 26th, 2014, 8:46 am

This might have been posted before, but I have senior moments...and a good laugh is always welcome!!!

Subject: Wisdom to make you Smile...


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol,caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May your troubles be less,may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door .
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard


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