WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!
Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
____________________________________________________________
Woman is 53 But Looks 25
53/YO Mom reveals 1 simple wrinkle trick that has angered doctors...
ConsumerLifestyleMag.com
Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Jeff Foxworthy: on Kansas
Be sure that you read all towns listed:
Leave it to Jeff Foxworthy to talk about our beloved state!
The funny part is......it's all true...every bit of it! Only in Kansas!
(Comic Jeff Foxworthy's in-laws live in Derby, Kansas.)
Kansas According to Jeff Foxworthy:
If you're proud that your region makes the national news at least 96 times each year because it's the hottest or the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wichita, Kansas.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his fore head, you might live in Pratt, Kansas.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Colby, Kansas.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Hays, Kansas.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Kansas.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Kansan WHEN 'Vacation' means going east or west on I-70 for the weekend.
If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Kansas.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Medicine Lodge, Kansas.
If you often switch from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you might live in Fredonia, Kansas.
If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Kansas City, Kansas.
If you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings), you might live in Great Bend, Kansas.
If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Augusta, Kansas.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Manhattan, Kansas.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Wichita, Kansas.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Pittsburg, Kansas.
If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in Derby, Kansas.
If "Going Down South" means Oklahoma, you might live in Coffeyville, Kansas.
If a brat is something you eat, you might live in Altoona, Kansas.
If your idea of going out to eat is a tail gate party every Friday, you might live in Cimarron, Kansas.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car; you might live in Goodland, Kansas.
If you find 0 degrees to be 'a little chilly', you might live in Concordia, Kansas.
If you actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Kansas friends -- you might live (or once lived) in Kansas
Be sure that you read all towns listed:
Leave it to Jeff Foxworthy to talk about our beloved state!
The funny part is......it's all true...every bit of it! Only in Kansas!
(Comic Jeff Foxworthy's in-laws live in Derby, Kansas.)
Kansas According to Jeff Foxworthy:
If you're proud that your region makes the national news at least 96 times each year because it's the hottest or the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wichita, Kansas.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his fore head, you might live in Pratt, Kansas.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Colby, Kansas.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Hays, Kansas.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Kansas.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Kansan WHEN 'Vacation' means going east or west on I-70 for the weekend.
If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Kansas.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Medicine Lodge, Kansas.
If you often switch from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you might live in Fredonia, Kansas.
If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Kansas City, Kansas.
If you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings), you might live in Great Bend, Kansas.
If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Augusta, Kansas.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Manhattan, Kansas.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Wichita, Kansas.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Pittsburg, Kansas.
If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in Derby, Kansas.
If "Going Down South" means Oklahoma, you might live in Coffeyville, Kansas.
If a brat is something you eat, you might live in Altoona, Kansas.
If your idea of going out to eat is a tail gate party every Friday, you might live in Cimarron, Kansas.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car; you might live in Goodland, Kansas.
If you find 0 degrees to be 'a little chilly', you might live in Concordia, Kansas.
If you actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Kansas friends -- you might live (or once lived) in Kansas
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
-
movieman1957
- Administrator
- Posts: 5522
- Joined: April 15th, 2007, 3:50 pm
- Location: MD
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
That's funny. In MD we hit lots of deer as well. (I've not suffered that experience though.) And The Bride would be perfectly at home on a long conversation with a wrong number. (She has at least driven through KS on several occasions. They were happiest when they drove by Caruso, KS. It was the family name and it meant they were almost in CO.)
Chris
"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."
"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Chris, you made me laugh about Carolann talking to a wrong number...
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Dear Algebra
Please stop asking us to find your X. She`s never coming back, and don`t ask me Y
Please stop asking us to find your X. She`s never coming back, and don`t ask me Y
-
moira finnie
- Administrator
- Posts: 8024
- Joined: April 9th, 2007, 6:34 pm
- Location: Earth
- Contact:
-
Rita Hayworth
- Posts: 10068
- Joined: February 6th, 2011, 4:01 pm
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
I loved this Fossy!Fossy wrote:Dear Algebra
Please stop asking us to find your X. She`s never coming back, and don`t ask me Y
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
QUESTION: You're a police officer on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?
ANSWER:
Australian Police Officer:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself? .
14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG!
American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
'click'...Reload...
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?
ANSWER:
Australian Police Officer:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself? .
14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG!
American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
'click'...Reload...
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
-
Rita Hayworth
- Posts: 10068
- Joined: February 6th, 2011, 4:01 pm
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Fossy wrote:
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG!
American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
'click'...Reload...
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
I loved this Fossy!
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Another way for the joke about "The Amazing Claude" to end (and how i actually thought it was going to end as I was reading it) is if, after getting the audience to cluck like chickens, the following exchange would occur:
The Amazing Claude: "Now, on the count of three, you will wake up and forget everything that just happened. One, two, three." (Looks proudly at the audience, waiting to see their reaction.)
Audience member: "Well, when are you going to start doing some tricks?"
The Amazing Claude: "Now, on the count of three, you will wake up and forget everything that just happened. One, two, three." (Looks proudly at the audience, waiting to see their reaction.)
Audience member: "Well, when are you going to start doing some tricks?"