The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters.
- Audrey Hepburn

Sailor walks into a bar . . .

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Moderators: Sue Sue Applegate, movieman1957, moira finnie, Lzcutter

klondike

Postby klondike » March 31st, 2008, 9:35 pm

A Scotsman walking home through the fields sees a man kneeling at a burn (stream) at the far end of a pasture, drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman shouts: "Awa, ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn!" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow sh*t !)
The stranger shouts back: "I'm English, you bloody fool; speak the King's
English, so I can understand you!"
The Scotsman pauses for a moment and then shouts back in reply:
"I said, it's certainly a hot day. Use both hands, so ye can drink yer fill faster."

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charliechaplinfan
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Postby charliechaplinfan » April 1st, 2008, 1:50 pm

I like it :lol:
Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself - Charlie Chaplin

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knitwit45
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Location: Gardner, KS

Nine Months Later...

Postby knitwit45 » April 18th, 2008, 1:48 pm

Nine Months Later.......

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So
they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby
farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could
spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I
have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep
in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled
in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got
on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected
letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it
out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do
you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our
ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the
night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed
about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of
telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look,
I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

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movieman1957
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Postby movieman1957 » April 18th, 2008, 2:00 pm

A couple in their 90's finally decide to get a divorce after 70 years of marriage.

The judge said "This is most unusual. Why now?"

The husband answered "We wanted to wait until the children died."
Chris

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."

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MissGoddess
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Postby MissGoddess » April 18th, 2008, 2:52 pm

I love these!!!

Hollis
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Postby Hollis » April 18th, 2008, 5:10 pm

Good afternoon,

Don't stone me, it's just a joke!

What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a bath?

The nun has hope in her soul.

As always,

Hollis

Flyers
up 3 games to 1 against Washington. Final game of the best of 7 series, (is there any doubt?) is tomorrow at 1PM EST. Let's go FLYERS!!!!!

Hollis
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Joined: April 15th, 2007, 4:38 pm

Postby Hollis » April 18th, 2008, 5:23 pm

Hi again,

Just remembered this one.

A woman with a newborn baby notices a foul odor emanating from the tyke and can't seem to figure out what it is, so she takes the child to the pediatrician. After a cursory examination of the baby, he opens its' diaper to find what is easily 3 days worth of the stuff a diaper is designed to catch. "There's you're problem, Mrs Jones" says the doc, "The baby's diaper is overflowing and needs to be changed right away. How often do you normally change it?" "Just like the package says, doc, fits 18-24 pounds!"

I didn't write it! Just passing it along!

Have a great weekend everyone!

As always,

Hollis

klondike

Postby klondike » April 18th, 2008, 5:46 pm

Ah yes, Mr. Hollis-san, just so; also remind unworthy one of this tee-hee following:

What's the difference between a stage magician, and the Radio City Rockettes?
:? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :? :?

Hollis
Posts: 695
Joined: April 15th, 2007, 4:38 pm

Postby Hollis » April 19th, 2008, 1:45 am

Hey there Mr K,

You've got me my friend. I know there's a pun in there somewhere but I'm at a loss to find it. I can only guess that it has nothing to do with pulling a rabbit out of a hat, right?

As always,

Hollis

klondike

Postby klondike » April 19th, 2008, 8:13 am

klondike wrote:What's the difference between a stage magician, and the Radio City Rockettes?


A stage magician's success depends on a cunning array of stunts.


(Wow, good thing none of the gals ever come over to this thread, eh, Guys? Or Lynn would be cuttin' a willow switch for my bahookie, and no mistake!) :wink:

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knitwit45
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Location: Gardner, KS

Postby knitwit45 » April 19th, 2008, 8:39 am

whaddya mean no girls???? WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER???????


and shame on you Klonnie, and you too, Hollis.....


let's keep this fun, or I WILL be cutting a switch for each of you......

Hollis
Posts: 695
Joined: April 15th, 2007, 4:38 pm

Postby Hollis » April 19th, 2008, 9:09 am

Dear KW,

No offense was intended by either of us, that I can state unequivocally. And trust me, we're equally adept at being targets as the ones who throw the darts! Matter of fact, I'm covered with puncture marks from suffering the "slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune" and deservedly so, I'm sure!
Have a great weekend, seeya at the movies!

As always,

Hollis

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movieman1957
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Postby movieman1957 » April 19th, 2008, 11:45 am

knitwit45 wrote:whaddya mean no girls???? WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER???????


More like a fine chocolate dessert.
Chris

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."

klondike

Postby klondike » April 19th, 2008, 1:21 pm

movieman1957 wrote:
knitwit45 wrote:whaddya mean no girls???? WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER???????


More like a fine chocolate dessert.


Chris, Burt Lancaster in Field of Dreams made no finer "save" than that one. :shock:

And KW, Darlin', I swear my no gals remark was entirely facetious & deliberately aimed at my own level of juvenile humor. :oops:
I swear by Aunt Tillie's corset!

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knitwit45
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Location: Gardner, KS

Postby knitwit45 » April 19th, 2008, 2:27 pm

I know, Klonnie!

You owe Chris a bottle of single malt (the GOOD stuff, K,) for that lovely save.....

I swear, you guys remind me of little boys caught out on the playground saying naughty words....Hollis immediately apologizes, while trying to make light of it, :) Klonnie waits till the last, then throws himself on the "teacher's" mercy, claiming ignorance,:roll: and Chris comes in as peacemaker, trying to make EVERYONE happy.....:lol:

I haven't had so much fun in days!

Thanks guys.

let's keep it at least tol'able clean, ok?????


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