The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters.
- Audrey Hepburn

Sailor walks into a bar . . .

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movieman1957
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Postby movieman1957 » April 19th, 2008, 9:15 pm

knitwit45 wrote:
and Chris comes in as peacemaker, trying to make EVERYONE happy.....:lol:



'Tis my calling.
Chris

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."

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movieman1957
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Postby movieman1957 » April 19th, 2008, 9:17 pm

klondike wrote:
movieman1957 wrote:
knitwit45 wrote:whaddya mean no girls???? WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER???????


More like a fine chocolate dessert.


Chris, Burt Lancaster in Field of Dreams made no finer "save" than that one. :shock:



Thank you Klondike. I used to play shortstop myself.
Chris

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."

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knitwit45
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When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words)

Postby knitwit45 » April 21st, 2008, 2:05 pm

When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words):

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston
Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure. " - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in
others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt" - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts..
. for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it." -
Groucho Marx


The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

klondike

Postby klondike » April 22nd, 2008, 6:27 pm

A cataclysmic thunderstorm strikes a country club golf course one afternoon, and three old friends playing together that day are struck dead by a single bolt of lightning, and so in the blink of an eye, find themselves striding through the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them warmly and begins instructing them about their future in the Hereafter; as all three friends had been car enthusiasts, they inquire most eagerly about Heavenly motoring.
"Certainly we have driving in Heaven!" Peter replies, "And the most joyous roadside destinations and highway vistas you can imagine; just one rule though - your vehicle assignment is determined by your marital fidelity in life! Now, Fred, did you ever cheat on your wife?"
“Never!" Fred beamed proudly; "I had a perfect marriage.”
“Great!” says Peter. “You get to cruise around heaven in a Rolls Royce Silver Shadow! And you, Cliff, were you ever unfaithful?”
“Well . . only twice, I think."
“That's too bad . . but not very bad; Cliff, here's your late-model Cadillac, power windows - no AC; now, Timmy, how about you . . ever step out on the Mrs. ?"
"I'm really sorry, Your Grace," Tim says squirmingly, "but I, well, I guess I had a real bad problem . . see, I had 10, 12 different affairs during the course of my marriage . ."
"Shame on you, Tim! I'm very disappointed! The best we can do for you is this 2-door Festiva with bad rubber."
Tim's bummed, but endeavors to make the best of it.
Six years later, Tim's rolling up to a red light in West Paradise, and spots a Rolls Royce in the middle lane ahead. Pulling up beside it, he recognizes his old friend Fred, who's noisily weeping & sobbing behind the wheel.
"Fred," Tim calls over, "Fred, old buddy, what in the world is wrong?!"
"I just passed my wife in traffic!," Fred wails, piteously; "She was riding a skateboard!!"

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

Hollis
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Postby Hollis » April 22nd, 2008, 9:42 pm

Good evening.

FLYERS 3, Capitals 2 in OT. FLYERS advance to semifinals against Montreal!!

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after reading a book on the subject and getting the appropriate tools together, headed for the ice. After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from up above, came a voice. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, she moved to a different spot on the ice, poured herself a cappucino, and began to cut another hole. Again came the heavenly voice, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Clearly worried, she moved far away and after sitting down, tried once more to cut a hole through the ice. Once more the voice boomed "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped what she was doing, looked toward the sky and said, "Is that you, Lord?" "NO" the voice replied, "THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

Good night and good hockey!

As always,

Hollis

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knitwit45
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Postby knitwit45 » April 23rd, 2008, 3:04 pm

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious
financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with Bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our Bibles last
week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, " using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many Bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to little Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better
explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to
y-y-you?"

jdb1

Postby jdb1 » April 23rd, 2008, 4:19 pm

Overheard at the library:

She: Do you enjoy Kipling?

He: Don't know -- I've never kipled.

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ChiO
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Postby ChiO » April 23rd, 2008, 5:40 pm

Whereas our friend jdb1 was not treated with all due respect in her workplace, and, Whereas, as a member of the bar (as well as being an attorney), the following highly offends me; Therefore, I offer the following as consideration and compensation:

Recently, a large lawfirm hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during
the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You idiot!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating lawyers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"
Everyday people...that's what's wrong with the world. -- Morgan Morgan
I love movies. But don't get me wrong. I hate Hollywood. -- Orson Welles
Movies can only go forward in spite of the motion picture industry. -- Orson Welles

jdb1

Postby jdb1 » April 24th, 2008, 7:59 am

Ah, thank you ChiO. That's an anecdote I can relate to with no effort at all. Wanna hear a lawyer joke?

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

(Sounds like a New York real estate lawyer to me, except for the part about how he actually thought it over for a moment. :wink: )

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knitwit45
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Postby knitwit45 » April 24th, 2008, 8:37 am

God's Problem Now

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Hollis
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Postby Hollis » April 24th, 2008, 5:19 pm

Good afternoon all,

Two gentlemen are watching a dog lick it's "hindquarters" (as dogs are wont to do) and one says to the other, "I wonder why he's doing that?" to which the other replied, "Maybe he bit a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth!"

As always,

Hollis

klondike

Postby klondike » April 24th, 2008, 7:01 pm

Hollis wrote:Good afternoon all,

Two gentlemen are watching a dog lick it's "hindquarters" (as dogs are wont to do) and one says to the other, "I wonder why he's doing that?" to which the other replied, "Maybe he bit a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth!"

As always,

Hollis


Later that evening, that same dog paused outside a popular University tavern from whence two thoroughly polluted med students were emerging; observing the dog performing that same, simple trick of self-hygiene, they turn in gaping drunkenness to each other, eyes bulging.
"Wow", says the taller one to his partner in intoxication, "Look at that manipulation of anatomy, Clive! Don't you wish you could do that?!"
"I don't know, Nigel," Clive opines blinking stupidly, "I think he might bite me if I tried!"

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MissGoddess
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Postby MissGoddess » April 29th, 2008, 9:58 am

Knitwit, I loved those "classy" come-backs! Winston Churchill was a man after my own heart.

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knitwit45
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Postby knitwit45 » April 29th, 2008, 10:39 am

Hi, MsG! Thanks, I loved those wonderful examples of using your WIT without resorting to curse words, also. I wish I was that nimble! I usually stand, mouth gaping, until at least 10 minutes later, before I can come up with a "snappy" retort :lol:

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MissGoddess
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Postby MissGoddess » April 29th, 2008, 10:50 am

knitwit45 wrote:Hi, MsG! Thanks, I loved those wonderful examples of using your WIT without resorting to curse words, also. I wish I was that nimble! I usually stand, mouth gaping, until at least 10 minutes later, before I can come up with a "snappy" retort :lol:


It takes you only 10 minutes????

I don't think of one until 3:00 in the morning. :wink:


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