"If an artist paints a great picture, he may not get recognition while he lives, but his work lives on and inspires after he is gone...But an actor—he is soon forgotten. He does a good piece of work in one picture and if he doesn’t get a chance in another good part for six months, he is forgotten." -Ricardo Cortez

Sailor walks into a bar . . .

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movieman1957
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby movieman1957 » August 26th, 2014, 9:27 am

You mentioned Rodney Dangerfield. My favorite Dangerfield joke is

"My wife likes to talk during sex. Last night she called from Cleveland."
Chris

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."

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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » September 3rd, 2014, 3:40 am

I used to chase skirts all over the world, until I got to Scotland.

What A Shock that Was!

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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » January 18th, 2015, 1:15 pm

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Leave your knickers on .. Just stick out your tongue!"

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Masha
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Masha » January 27th, 2015, 12:14 am

I am very sorry to inject sad note to this thread:

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer is dead at age 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747.

Eyewitnesses report that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
Avatar: Vera Vasilyevna Kholodnaya

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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Professional Tourist » January 27th, 2015, 12:31 am

Santa too. :cry: :cry: :cry:

Image

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Masha
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Masha » January 27th, 2015, 1:29 am

Professional Tourist wrote:Santa too. :cry: :cry: :cry:


I love that image! :)
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Masha
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Masha » April 1st, 2015, 1:55 pm

phpBB [video]
Avatar: Vera Vasilyevna Kholodnaya

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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » April 3rd, 2015, 8:01 pm

Two chimps and a Blonde
Another blonde joke ..


A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld

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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 6th, 2015, 2:04 am

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone

She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.

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Fossy
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 24th, 2015, 2:01 am

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,
"Will you marry me?"

The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after.

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Professional Tourist
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Professional Tourist » August 24th, 2015, 4:20 pm

So did the princess! :wink: :P

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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby Fossy » August 25th, 2015, 4:24 pm

AMEN! :lol:

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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby knitwit45 » August 25th, 2015, 6:57 pm

Via Harry S Truman National Historic Site
Bess often got after Harry to mow the lawn, a chore he loathed. One Sunday morning Harry rolled up his sleeves and headed out into the yard. While everyone else in town was passing the house on their way to church, the ex-President of the United States was mowing the grass, not going to church, and waving and calling to everyone to make sure they knew it. Bess ran outside and cut off the mower. They hired a yard man not long after. #SundayFunday
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Postby knitwit45 » August 25th, 2015, 6:58 pm

A flight attendant on an airline’s cross-country flight nervously announced about 30 minutes outbound from LA, “I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers on board and only 40 dinners.”…
When the passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free unlimited hard drinks for the length of the flight.”…
Her next announcement came an hour and a half later, “If anyone wants to change his/her mind, we still have 35 dinners available"
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard


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