Sailor walks into a bar . . .

[klondike]

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them; if they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year, the two lucky gents, Paddy & Mike (what are the odds?!), were called down to the administration office, and told to wait as their doctor prepared their files.

The doctor called Paddy in for questioning first, and asked "Paddy you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. I will ask you two questions; get them right, and you'll be free to go."

Paddy nods, and the doctor begins: "Paddy, if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind, of course," Paddy answered quickly.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?", the doctor queries.

"I would be completely blind," said Paddy knowing that he had just won his freedom. When Paddy went back out through the waiting room however, he lingered long enough to whisper to Mike what the correct answers were.

The doctor followed the same procedure with Mike, and asks him "What would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said, remembering what he'd been told.

This perplexed the doctor, but he proceeds with the second question to help him understand what the man was thinking: "Mike, what would happen if I then cut off your other ear?"

"Den I would be completely blind!," he answered with a smile figuring he'd passed with flying colors; but the doctor, totally baffled, promptly asked Mike how losing his ears could possibly leave him blind.

Thinking swiftly, feeling freedom slipping away, Mike replies flatly, "Well, 'cause me hat would fall down over both me eyes, of course!"

An hour later, Mike joined Paddy in Cork City for the first of many pints o' Guinness.

[knitwit45]

I think I've found my dream job!!!!!!!!!



[youtube][/youtube]

[knitwit45]

If, as is my tendency to do, I have posted this before....I apologize.
Or just have fun and read them again!!!!!


CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much PI.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. As it turned out, he was an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from a high school algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. The sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center stated: 'Keep Off The Grass.'

15. A young boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was doing, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

19. A backward poet writes inverse.

20. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

21. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

22. Don't join dangerous cults; practice safe sects!

[knitwit45]

THE COWBOY




A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago.....'

[vallo]

THE GAY BAR AND THE COWBOY

> A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.
> "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay
> waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
>
> The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink. "The
> gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name
> of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan,'Just Do It.' that
> guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'
>
> "The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him
> a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who
> is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks
> back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
> the fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"
>
> A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just
> happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
> yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
> "Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
> The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' "And gives a wink!
>
> Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
> comes up with a name for his manhood.
>
> Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy
> is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the
> cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
>
> The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,
> BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN

[knitwit45]

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and
smacked the stuffin out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

[knitwit45]

One Sunday morning , the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ' Good morning Alex .'

Good morning Pastor , he replied, still focused on the plaque.
Pastor, what is this?

The pastor said, Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,


"Which service...the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

[klondike]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Mary went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year- old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we
were making love on Sunday morning."
Stunned, Mary told her grandmother that two people both nearly 100 years old having sex must surely have been asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time for us to converge was when the church bells down the street would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm . . nice and slow, steady and even . . nothing too long or too strenuous . . " she paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

[CharlieT]

Redneck Fisherman



A redneck was stopped by a game warden, down in Alabama, with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hog wash! Fish can't do that.'


The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH'!, replied the warden.

'What fish?', replied the redneck.




Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north!

[klondike]

Now mind you, I didn't write the following fable, I'm just passing it along . . and suspiciously at that:

When a Woman Lies

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a sterling silver thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked .
The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?'
'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord reached down into the water and hauled up George Clooney.
'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding; you see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt, then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband; had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney!'

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women

[knitwit45]

The Marine Drill Sergeant


The Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him, 'Get your butt over here ! What's your name?"

"Paul," the new recruit replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull they're teaching in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only --- Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as 'Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir, Sergeant!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The recruit sighed "Darling, My name is Paul Darling."

"Okay, Paul, here's what I want you to do ....."

[rohanaka]

The Bus Driver and the Pastor:

A Bus Driver and a Pastor died. When they got to heaven, the bus driver received a beautiful mansion with a wonderful landscaped lawn and a lovely fountain in front. The pastor got an old mud hut.

The pastor went to St. Peter and complained. "Say, I was a very important pastor of a very important church in a very important city. Surely I deserve a mansion AT LEAST as nice as the busdriver got."

St. Peter told him, "Your sermons were dry and dull . Your mud hut was the best we could do under such circumstances."

Not to give up, the pastor asked one more time, "Well, what about the Busdriver? I know that guy, and he was the worst driver in the city. Why did HE get a mansion?"

"Well," said St. Peter, "When you preached, people were bored and often fell asleep. But the BUSDRIVER... now whenever he drove the bus... EVERYBODY PRAYED AND CRIED OUT TO GOD!!"

[Birdy]

A fuzzball walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve fuzzballs here."
"I'm not a fuzzball," the fuzzball says.
"Yes, you are," says the bartender.
"No. I'm afraid not."
'


Two termites walk into a bar. One asks the other, "Is the bar tender here?"



Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my proton." "Afre you sure," asks the other.
"Yes, I'm positive."

[klondike]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my proton." "Are you sure," asks the other.
"Yes, I'm positive."

Upon hearing the exchange, the bartender turns to the electron drinking at the other end of the bar and says: "OK, Buddy, for you - no charge!"

[jdb1]

So this chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve poultry here!"
The chicken says "That's OK. I only want a drink."

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Beat it, buddy. We don't serve your kind here -- this is a singles bar!"

A penguin walks into a bar.
He asks the bartender "Have you seen my brother?"
The bartender says "What does he look like?" [Think about it . . . .]