Sailor walks into a bar . . .

[charliechaplinfan]

In honor of all the Moms we know and love:



A father came home and found his three children were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, and dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

This has given me a wonderful idea

when put like that I realise just what I do do most days

[jdb1]

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to tether the giraffe, and one to fill the empty pickle barrel with hand-painted wrenches and ballet slippers.

How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to tell the butler to call the handyman, and one to mix the martinis.

How many Jewish-American [or fill in any other] princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to get the diet colas, and one to call Daddy.

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb:?
None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many NBA All-Stars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They hold the bulb and the universe revolves around them.

How many Defense Department management-level employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to write up a purchase order for $3,250.67, and one to screw it into the bathroom faucet.

How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Forty-two. You got a problem with that?

How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ohmigod! I don't know! Will this be on the test?

[movieman1957]

If I may add one.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It has to want to change.

[knitwit45]

when put like that I realise just what I do do most days

Alison, never let anyone tell you that you don't "do" anything all day long. Being a Mom/Mummy is the absolute hardest job on Earth, and the most rewarding. Until you are on the receiving end of a gooey, sticky smile, you don't know what love is. I know there are lots of non-moms here who live rich, fulfilling lives also. There's just something about non-conditional love that is like nothing else we ever experience. A child holds our hearts in their tiny hands, and that bond never goes away.

[Hollis]

Good afternoon all,

Thanks for the laughs Judith.

I just hope that when Father's Day rolls around, we're given our just due for the roll we fulfill. Especially those of us that did yeoman's duty when their child's mother abrogated her duties in favor of some other pursuit. Yes, it does in fact happen, and more often than most people realize. Deadbeat moms are a very real fact of life. Thankfully, they're in the vast minority. Then again, had that not been the case, we never would have been able to rise to the occasion and find out just how much we were really capable of. So, even bearing in mind all the hardships that her absence created, I guess I owe my ex a huge debt of gratitude for allowing me to realize my potential. In retrospect, and recognizing that having a partner at the ready would have made things so much easier, I don't know that I would have had it any other way. I have memories that I never would have had had things been different. The irony is that many of the lessons I was able to impart to my son were due to my mom teaching them to me. I couldn't have done it without her. My only regret is that she didn't live long enough to see the beautiful child she waited so long for come into his own. But if there is a Heaven somewhere, I'm sure she's looking down at him with a great deal of pride and satisfaction. And for two reasons. One, because of who he is, and two, because she got her wish when she used to say "Hollis, I hope you have a son just like yourself someday!"

Thanks to everyone who thought enough of their moms to say something nice about them and for sharing those thoughts with the rest of us.

As always,

Hollis

p.s. I didn't mean to sound either maudlin or vindictive, and I sincerely hope I haven't given anyone reason to take offense. You guys are the best and I'm glad that you're a part of my "extended family."

[Hollis]

On a lighter note -

What does a Jewish woman make for supper?
Reservations.

Why do so many men die before their wives?
Because they can.

What's the definition of a WASP?
Someone who gets out of the shower to pee.

Did you hear about the Polish terrorist that tried to blow up a car?
He burned his lips on the tailpipe.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drink until the room spins.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb and five to listen to him brag about it.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What's a blonde's favorite wine?
I wanna go to Florida, I wanna go to Florida!

Why was the blonde unhappy with her driver's license?
Because she got an "F" in sex.

Why can't women find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
No matter what, somebody's going to lose their trailer.

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Because it's not called a teethbrush.

If a husband and wife get divorced in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?

What did the kamikaze instructor say to his students?
Pay attention. I'm only going to do this once.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
One is made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with and the other holds your groceries.

Like my dad once said to me, "If you can't laugh at yourself, you don't have the right to laugh at anyone else."


As always,

Hollis

[knitwit45]

Is this why we haven't heard from Klondike? He's retro-fitting his vehicle!

[klondike]

Mile diolcte, KW! (A thousand thank-you's!)


Seriously, though, back in the early 90's, I did, briefly, use an engineless, roofless S-10 Blazer as a summer training gig for my sled gang, and it did still have a padded leather steering wheel (manualized) and a fully-intact, though non-functional, instrument panel - so you could have taken a nearly identical picture to this one right through the windshield (or where it used be), just minus the snow!
Training gigs are great, but in Alaska are seldom worth their own maintenance & storage, as there's only about 4.5 months in which they can be used!

[moira finnie]

I'm very grateful for all the jokes here and the touches of honesty about the most important jobs anyone ever has from Alison & Hollis--being a parent. I really meant that part, but love to read all the jokes here. And the remarkable thing is how many of them ring true. Sincere thanks-m.

[knitwit45]

Moira, I knew a very wise woman who had suffered a lot misfortunes in her too brief life, and yet always had at least a smile if not a laugh to share.
I asked her how she could still manage to laugh, and she said " We can either laugh at life or cry about it...I choose to laugh."

I took that advice to heart (much to my dear mother's chagrin..she always said I would laugh at my own funeral! )

So here's a toast on a beautiful sunny (at last) Friday evening to all the great people here, who also choose to laugh!

Mazeltov, Slainte, "May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!", "cento di questi giorni"

[MissGoddess]

Laugh at life---don't let life laugh at you.

[charliechaplinfan]

when put like that I realise just what I do do most days

Alison, never let anyone tell you that you don't "do" anything all day long. Being a Mom/Mummy is the absolute hardest job on Earth, and the most rewarding. Until you are on the receiving end of a gooey, sticky smile, you don't know what love is. I know there are lots of non-moms here who live rich, fulfilling lives also. There's just something about non-conditional love that is like nothing else we ever experience. A child holds our hearts in their tiny hands, and that bond never goes away.

It's so true, Knitwit 45. Kids can drive you around the twist all day but once thy're in bed, I miss them. How do you explain that one.

I get plenty gooey sticky smiles and plenty of hugs to keep me going. I have to learn to appreciate them at 5.45 in the morning when our son decides to climb in bed scrambling over the top of me saying 'Come on it's morning'

How long until they stop doing that?

[Hollis]

Hey Klondike,

Unless I'm mistaken, that's a Subaru in the photo. So you can go where the snow is, wherever it is. That's what makes a Subaru, a Subaru!

As always,

Hollis

[knitwit45]

Alison, the first time they don't climb in bed, you think, Great!!!. Then when it doesn't happen the next day, you want to make sure they're ok. When my two boys told me they were too old for hugs and snuggles, I said, "But I'm not!"

[klondike]

Hey Klondike,

Unless I'm mistaken, that's a Subaru in the photo. So you can go where the snow is, wherever it is.


Hollis

Not without an engine!
And training gigs never have engines in them (working or not); it's just way too dangerous, for dogs & mushers!