The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters.
- Audrey Hepburn

Sailor walks into a bar . . .

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Postby jdb1 » May 2nd, 2008, 12:40 pm

OK, I've got two jokes that were characterized as "Blonde Jokes," but on our egalitarian board you may feel free to substitute any hair color (including skin):

Two blondes were walking down the road. One exlaimed to the other "Say, look at that dog over there with one eye!" The other blonde put her hand over her eye and said "Where?"

Two blondes were relaxing on the porch drinking lemonade. One mused "I wonder which is further away, the moon, or Florida?" The other answered "Hel-lo!!! Can you see Florida??"

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Postby Birdy » May 3rd, 2008, 12:02 pm

Chris...of course, Fred can walk on water!!

I'm at work today and this is about how it's going...

A blonde walks into a library and goes up the the counter.
"Can I have a cheeseburger?" "Umm, this is a LIBRARY..." the librarian answers.
"Sorry, can I have a cheeseburger?" , the blonde whispers.

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Postby knitwit45 » May 4th, 2008, 7:55 pm

Ah, blonde jokes....(good thing I'm a redhead!) :roll:

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and starts shouting.

' I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way ? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being ? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, and all for the sake of a few laughs!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells 'You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little creep on your lap. ' :roll:


Postby klondike » May 4th, 2008, 8:13 pm

knitwit45 wrote: 'You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little creep on your lap. ' :roll:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Oh, god, oh, oh, god . . just a minute, I'm almost done with the O2 mask . . there . . 'nother minute, I'll be able to get off . . the floor . .
Good thing I had an early supper . . I hate messin' my britches this time o' night!
Whewwwwww . . . :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

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Postby knitwit45 » May 4th, 2008, 8:22 pm

breathe, sweetie, breathe.....

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A retraction

Postby Hollis » May 4th, 2008, 10:32 pm

A retraction. Due to my lack of common sense and good taste.


Postby jdb1 » May 5th, 2008, 2:38 pm

This one sounds like me and my (ex) husband:

A man and his wife had not been speaking for several days.

One evening, man realized that the next day he would need to get up at 5:00 AM to make an early business flight and, being a heavy sleeper, he would have to ask his wife to wake him.

Not wanting to be the first to give in and break the silence, he wrote 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM' on a piece of paper, and left it propped up on the lamp beside her night table. He then went to bed early

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was already 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Getting more and more angry, he was about to get up and see why his wife hadn't woken him up, when he noticed a piece of paper propped up next to the lamp on his side of the the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"

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to all the Moms

Postby knitwit45 » May 6th, 2008, 11:07 am

In honor of all the Moms we know and love:

A father came home and found his three children were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, and dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

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Postby MissGoddess » May 6th, 2008, 11:12 am

Ha haaa!! Good one!
"There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education."
-- Will Rogers

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Postby knitwit45 » May 7th, 2008, 8:34 am

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm
and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I
need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field
over there.'
The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me. See this
card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH
on any agricultural land. No questions asked or
answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm
chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw
the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was
the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was
gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was
clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw
down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'

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Postby Hollis » May 10th, 2008, 3:35 pm

Hi Nancy,

Now that was a good one! A very good one!

I've got a couple of quick ones for you. And no, they're not dirty in any regard. I promised I'd watch my step!

How do you get a blonde to sit on the roof? Tell her the drinks are on the house.

What do you call the blonde in your closet? The 1964 world hide and go seek champion!

And what do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter. He's not coming when you call him anyway!

As always,



Postby klondike » May 10th, 2008, 6:06 pm

What's that ? Good taste not required, anymore?

Well, then, in the armless, legless genre? Let's see:

The guy in the pool?
The guy on the doorstep?
The guy in the mailbox?
The guy in the hot-tub?
The guy in the leaf-pile?
The guy on the barbecue?
The guy in the ditch?
The guy in the chain factory?
The guy near the butterchurn?
The guy in the sinkhole?

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Postby knitwit45 » May 10th, 2008, 10:35 pm

a sailor walks into a bar....

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind
him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That
will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same ."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse
me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in
your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of
money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask
for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big backside and long legs who agrees with everything I

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Postby Hollis » May 11th, 2008, 8:49 am

And the two guys hanging on the wall above the window?
Curt n' Rod...

What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker? Hop in!

Happy Mother's Day to all!

As always,


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Postby knitwit45 » May 15th, 2008, 8:10 am

You've Got to Understand the Customer

Employee of the Month!

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a
big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You
start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Exp edition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Aspirin
for his wife and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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