The Silver Screen Oasis

> Subject: Paraprosdokians
>
> Paraprosdokians
>
>
> Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in
> which the
> latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;
> frequently humorous.
>
> 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
>
> 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
>
> 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
> you hear them speak.
>
> 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
>
> 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
>
> 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
>
> 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in
> a fruit salad.
>
> 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
> research.
>
> 9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
>
> 10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
> Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
>
> 11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
> with a bald head
> and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
>
> 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
> skydive twice.
>
> 13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure...
>
> 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
> hit the target.
>
> 15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
> a garage makes you a car.
>
> 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
>
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder
> for me to find one now!

Those are great, Nancy. You and Winston Churchill are my favorite wits.

moirafinnie wrote:Those are great, Nancy. You and Winston Churchill are my favorite wits.

HA!! I don't 'splain them...I just deliver them!!!!!!

Sorta like an obstetrician for ugly people, Nancy?

Exactly!!!!

Dad and Mum have passed on and gone to heaven. They have been fitted with their halos and wings. Poor little old Dad, browbeaten and under his wife`s thumb all their married life, and Mum, a big strapping woman standing behind Dad, with a scowl on her face, still with her rolling pin clutched firmly, waiting to give Dad a belt if he offends her in any way.

Dad looks forlornly up at Saint Peter, and says “What the @#$%^&* happened to till death do us part.

I just loved it Fossy!

Listen carefully to the warnings

Lament Of The Middle Age Woman

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realise that you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

D'0hhhhhhh!

Noah Today

In the year 2013 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia and said: Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

“Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans”.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying “ You have six months to build the Ark before I start the rain for forty days and forty nights”.

Six months later, the Lord saw Noah weeping in his back yard—but no Ark.

“Noah, He roared,I am about to start the rain, but where is the Ark”?

“Forgive me Lord”, begged Noah, “but things have changed; I needed a building permit”.

“I have been arguing with the boat by building the Ark inspector about the need for a sprinkler system”.

“My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood By-Laws, by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height regulations. We had to go to the Local Council Planning Committee for a decision”.

Then the Council and the Electricity Company demanded lots of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage to the lake. I told them that the flood would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it”.

“Getting the wood was another problem. There`s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the habitat of the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go.”

“When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space”.

:Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn`t build the Ark until they had conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood”.

“I`m still trying to resolve a complaint with Human Rights on how many minorities I`m supposed to hire for my building crew”.

“Immigration are checking the visa status of the people who want to work”.

“The Trade Unions say I can`t use my sons. They insist that I must hire only Union workers with Ark Building experience”.

“To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I am trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species”.

“So forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark”.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked “You mean you are not going to destroy the world?”

“No” said the Lord, “The public service beat me to it”

Good one Fossy! ... This really cracks me up!