Sailor walks into a bar . . .

[klondike]

The Tell-Tale Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all.
Ha! Got away with that one, I thought!
Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[mongoII]

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and
approaches Maxine sitting by herself :

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread ."

[knitwit45]

JOE!!!!!!

[ChiO]

I believe that Joe was referring to the tendency toward weight gain (as opposed to swelling) from such intake that often concentrates, for females, around the hip and thigh (i.e. leg) region (for males, it's the stomach).

Correct, Joe?

[knitwit45]

uh,huh. and boys WILL be boys...even when they root for the losing team on Saturday, March 27 3:30 CDT.....

[mongoII]

Yeah...that's it ChiO...that's what I meant...sure.

[klondike]

"What's the first thing a little girl wants for her new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop!
What's the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared for traffic.
"What's the first toy a little girl wants after she gets her bike? A doll--she's prepared to shop with friends!
What's the first toy a little boy wants after he gets his bike? A gun--he's prepared for traffic."
-Jason Chase

[mongoII]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out
since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...
Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go
to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she
shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They
had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[knitwit45]

A long married couple were talking one day, and the husband said,
"Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?"

She replied, "I just go and clean the toilet."

He asked, "How does that help?"

"I use your toothbrush".

[knitwit45]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means
a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just
been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around
the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This
means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that
begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do
It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means
she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3
for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to
think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for
your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or
faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here -
This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm
and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .
that will bring on a whatever.

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying *%^^ YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to
do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response
refer to # 3.

[klondike]

A LOVE STORY FOR MEN

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?'
The Princess said, 'NO !!!'
So . . . the Prince rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and coffee all day and socked away money in the bank and dated lots of strange women and left the toilet seat up and slept on the couch with his dog and farted whenever he felt like it.
And lived happily ever after.
The End

[CharlieT]

The four Goldberg brothers,Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the
first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into
old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen
were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he
come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was
about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car immediately. The old man
got very excited and invited them back to the office where he offered them $3 million for the
patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the
recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car
in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was in no way going to put the Goldberg's name
on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed
on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford
air conditioners show --


Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.


I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself!!!
I don't write this stuff, I just pass it on.

[mongoII]

[knitwit45]

Jenny Craig for Men:

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running
shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you
catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke
and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you
sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'

Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes
and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week

[knitwit45]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.



"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO!"