Sailor walks into a bar . . .

[mongoII]

Trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[knitwit45]

Fourteen of Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:


1. Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2.. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five
or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another
one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the
things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go to Court, you are putting yourself in
the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough
to get out of jury duty.

[knitwit45]

Daily Exercise Routine For Seniors...




Buy a block of wood.

Set in middle of floor.

Walk around it 2 times, sit down.

When asked if you've exercised, you can reply:

"I walked around the block two times!"

[knitwit45]

“Confidence: The feeling you have just before you understand the situation.”

[knitwit45]

Just had a funny thing happen. I purchased an umbrella type clothesline and had the neighbor put it up for me 2 weeks ago. I did a washing early this am and went out to hang up the sheets and towels. I was thinking to myself how it's a connection to my mother, aunts, etc, and was feeling really nostalgic. Then I started laughing, because I had my CELL PHONE in my pocket, and came back inside to check EMAIL on my NOTEBOOK COMPUTER. My relatives would have loved all the new technologies and would have the same 'stuff' I do....I think...

[movieman1957]

At least you have a neighborhood where you can have a clothes line.

[klondike]

At least you have a neighborhood where you can have a clothes line.

Just keep an eye on those Ravens safeties, Chris; before September's over, I bet you'll see a couple "clotheslines", maybe even a horsecollar!

[CharlieT]

Don't worry about the Raven safeties. Ed Reed will be out for a while after hip surgery, so the amount of "dirty" hits will be reduced dramatically. (OK, I'm a die-hard Browns fan. You can forward this down to Art Modell.)

[movieman1957]

You know Mr. Modell is no longer really involved. Mr. Biscotti will know of this though. Reed can continue to make interceptions to his heart's content and leave the hitting to the others.

Browns, huh?

[klondike]

Wow, Charlie, I'm amazed that you can be a citizen of Ye Olde Dog Pound, and still even say (or type) the name "Art Modell"!
That's kinda like saying Neil O'Donnell within earshot of a Steelers fan . . . or like bringing up to any loyal Cheesehead that annoying jerk from Mis'sippi who used to play at Lambeau Field.
Scores, losses, victories, trophies & contracts are all matters of interpretation & review . . . but betrayal is something else entirely!

[knitwit45]

gulp.... um, fellas, how about this reminder from waaaay back:

Sailor walks into a bar . . .
. . and spots a pirate sitting alone in the far corner; noting that the old corsair has a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook in place of his right hand, he figures he must be ripe with great, roaring tales of the high seas, and so starts plying him with drinks.
"Lost me leg to sharks," claims the pirate, "nearly died before they pulled me back aboard!"
"So what about yer hand?", asks the sailor.
"Was boardin' a British sloop off the Seychelles - Limey swab with a cutlass hacked me clear through at the wrist!", the pirate mutters; "Bo'sun sewed me up, sealed the stump with cooper's tar, an' I got fitted for this hook in Singapore!"
"And your eye?"
"Seagull crapped in it."
The sailor guffaws: "You lost yer eye to some gull poop?!"
The old pirate angrily thumps the table with his one good fist: "Arr, well, y'know, it were my first day with the hook!!"

[klondike]

I'm sorry Knitty, I guess I led the boys a bit off-topic.
By all means go back to dominating entire pages with multiple posts.

[knitwit45]

ouch!

I've been trying to stir up some interest again in this thread, but if I've stepped on toes, or offended,I will cease and desist, oh great one...

[CharlieT]

Wow, Charlie, I'm amazed that you can be a citizen of Ye Olde Dog Pound, and still even say (or type) the name "Art Modell"!
That's kinda like saying Neil O'Donnell within earshot of a Steelers fan . . . or like bringing up to any loyal Cheesehead that annoying jerk from Mis'sippi who used to play at Lambeau Field.
Scores, losses, victories, trophies & contracts are all matters of interpretation & review . . . but betrayal is something else entirely!

Well, it did take me a couple of weeks to put the letters back on the keyboard that summer, but considering his current condition, I guess I can let bygones be bygones. Hey, this subject is perfect for this thread. The Browns' quaterback situation of late qualifies as one of the biggest jokes around. I love 'em, but I am a realist.

Knitty, you can post here as long as you like. Humor makes the world go round and heals the hurtin' heart.

[MichiganJ]

Yet another heat advisory. It's been so hot this summer my thermometer asked for a raise.