Some Jewish mother jokes:
A Jewish man called his mother in Florida.
He said to his mother "Mamaleh, how are you doing?"
She said "Oy, not too good. I've been very weak."
The son asked "But why are you so weak?"
She said "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son asked "So why haven't you eaten in 38 days!?"
She said "God forbid my mouth should be full of food when you called."
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"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast by you?"
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A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, darling, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "Sweetheart, if you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.
Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "Yingeleh [young man], if you knew what I have, you would let me off this bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Lady, what is it you have?" The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."
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A Jewish mother is sitting next to a nice young man on the train. The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The mother doesn’t answer.
"Excuse me, what time is it?" Still, no answer.
"Madam, I'm asking you what time it is. Why don't you answer?!"
The Jewish mother says: "Sonny, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
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What is a genius?
An average student with a Jewish mother.
Sailor walks into a bar . . .
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jdb1
Got another one:
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were sitting next to each other on the Subway, and began chatting.
"Your people certainly have a long and proud history," said the Jewish man.
"Yes," the Chinese man answered, "we are very proud of our 4,000 years as a distinct culture."
"I can understand that," the Jewish man said. "My people have been around for 5,000 years."
"Five thousand years?" the Chinese man says. "So where did you all eat the first thousand years?"
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were sitting next to each other on the Subway, and began chatting.
"Your people certainly have a long and proud history," said the Jewish man.
"Yes," the Chinese man answered, "we are very proud of our 4,000 years as a distinct culture."
"I can understand that," the Jewish man said. "My people have been around for 5,000 years."
"Five thousand years?" the Chinese man says. "So where did you all eat the first thousand years?"
That would be Yuengling (since 1829, making it the nation's oldest brewery) Black and Tan, thank you very much, my dear Mr Klondike!
If it comes in a can it ain't beer!
As always,
Hollis
If it comes in a can it ain't beer!
As always,
Hollis
Last edited by Hollis on February 26th, 2009, 6:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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klondike
D*mn, I was ready to back up & punt with Rolling Rock for a sub, but I forgot about the near-religious fervor many of you Keystoners harbor for the arcane seduction of the fabled Yuengling.Hollis wrote:That would be Yuengling (since 1829, making it the nation's oldest brewery) Black and Tan, thank you very much, my dear Mr Klondike!
If it cimes in a can it ain't beer!
As always,
Hollis
And thank you for being a fellow squared-away "draft only please" kind o' guy; most of my acquaintances (fine people all) just can't fathom my demanding, diehard devotion to kegged beer . . but really, unless you're crawling through the deep Sahara, why not be particular about what it is that you're putting in your mouth!!
P.S. Yup, Yuengling the great-gran'pap of American brews . . but it's still over 60 years younger than Art Guinness' first generation from St. James Gate in Dublin!
I'd like to think that the elder Yuengling hadn't yet been born when Mr Guiness offered up his first pint and at room temperature at that. To his credit, Mr Yuengling decided early on to maintain the business within the family and his wishes were granted as the brewery remains family owned and operated to this date. Their are six varieties of Yuengling beer to be enjoyed, their Premium Lager, Porter, Black & Tan (my favorite), an outstanding Ale and so as to not be shut out of a growing market, a commendable Light beer. They all have a good healthy taste that says "you know you're drinking beer" as opposed to water in a can like "Coors Light".
As always,
Hollis
p.s. Make that "se7en" varieties, I neglected the "old faithful" draught lager!
As always,
Hollis
p.s. Make that "se7en" varieties, I neglected the "old faithful" draught lager!
Last edited by Hollis on February 26th, 2009, 7:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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jdb1
I'm no beer expert (or expert on any kind of liquor). I know how to say "Heineken," and that's what I say when asked what I want to drink. When confronted with a choice, I'm lost. It's like that old joke about the Newcomer who only knew how to say "apple pie and coffee" in English, and so that's what he ordered for lunch every single day.
When I first noticed the Yuengling trucks driving around NYC, I assumed it was a Chinese product.
Imagine my surprise . . . . . . .
When I first noticed the Yuengling trucks driving around NYC, I assumed it was a Chinese product.
Imagine my surprise . . . . . . .
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klondike
That reminded of this funny anecdote:jdb1 wrote: When I first noticed the Yuengling trucks driving around NYC, I assumed it was a Chinese product.
Imagine my surprise . . . . . . .
When the fam & I first settled on Vashon Island, just across the Puget Sound from West Seattle, back in '89, the first bunch of local kids that my bairns started hanging with included three stairstep-age brothers with the last name of Ling; evidently, the Mrs. assumed they were Chinese (at the time, Seattle had the 2nd largest Chinatown on the West Coast), and the first time she beheld those young, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Euro-American brothers, she was a little taken aback, until I pointed out that "ling" is Norwegian for codfish; funnier still is the fact that once she had filed that mental note, she could never again quite remember their actual surname, and always ended up calling them "the codfish boys"!
A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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klondike
Not on ye're life, Nance!knitwit45 wrote:This one must not have been a Scotsman!!!!!The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly.'
Scotsmen will never, on pain o' torture even, speak ill aloud of any sober, dressed woman, though they'll go to great lengths to shred the dignity of any man they think poorly of, regardless of size or age . . and all the worse for him if he's not of Scotch* descent!
*I know, I know, everybody keeps saying "say Scottish, not Scotch!", but really, it's just like the Irish & "Mick", or Africans & the dreaded "n" word . . i.e., we Scots are allowed to call each other Scotch til the coos come hame, just nobody else can, is all . .
Well Klonnie,
I'm three fifths (sour mash, bourbon and gin) Irish, leaving me a two fifths mongrel, so ye'd beter not be calling me a Mick! Unless of course you also call me a Hebe and a Limey as well! There will be no deference paid in this quarter ya bloomin' Scotch plaid, kilt and codpiece wearing, son of a bagpipe blowin Scotsman!
With all due respect, I remain your humble servant,
O'Hollis
I'm three fifths (sour mash, bourbon and gin) Irish, leaving me a two fifths mongrel, so ye'd beter not be calling me a Mick! Unless of course you also call me a Hebe and a Limey as well! There will be no deference paid in this quarter ya bloomin' Scotch plaid, kilt and codpiece wearing, son of a bagpipe blowin Scotsman!
With all due respect, I remain your humble servant,
O'Hollis
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klondike
Slainte oggus tinte, Brother!Hollis wrote:There will be no deference paid in this quarter ya bloomin' Scotch plaid, kilt and codpiece wearing, son of a bagpipe blowin Scotsman!
With all due respect, I remain your humble servant,
O'Hollis
But spare me the codpiece reference; ye can only wear a codpiece with britches, pants, trousers or some other form of bifurcated lower garment.
Ye can't wear one with a kilt, there's no place to fasten it!
Besides, most Scotsmen don't need one in the first place . . which is doubtless why it was invented in England, for all those insecure Anglo-Saxons
!