With age, should come wisdom. Here are a few Words of Wisdom:
--If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
--Your sole purpose in life may be to simply serve as a warning to others.
--People will accept your ideas more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin
said it first.
--Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
--Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
--Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on one side.
--Some days you're the bug, other days you're the windshield.
--Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
--Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
--Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it.
Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
How to give a cat a bath:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
When Mrs. Jones went to court....
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
Stunned, and not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
the defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
Stunned, and not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
the defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
-
jdb1
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Some thoughts to contemplate on a rainy New York afternoon:
--I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
--There are two rules for success: 1. Don't tell all you know.
--I just can't get enough Minimalism.
--If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
--There is no “I” in “team,” but there are four in “platitude-quoting idiot.”
--Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked at work.
--Most nudists are people you’d never want to see naked.
--Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
--How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.
--You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
--The Dark Ages were caused by the Y1K problem.
--I don’t want buns of steel – I want buns of cinnamon.
--Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun once a year.
--I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
--There are two rules for success: 1. Don't tell all you know.
--I just can't get enough Minimalism.
--If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
--There is no “I” in “team,” but there are four in “platitude-quoting idiot.”
--Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked at work.
--Most nudists are people you’d never want to see naked.
--Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
--How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.
--You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
--The Dark Ages were caused by the Y1K problem.
--I don’t want buns of steel – I want buns of cinnamon.
--Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun once a year.
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
I wonder if this is what those County Sheriffs were thinking when they pulled me over a couple of months ago......
She's got 20 years on me, but still.......
did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
She's got 20 years on me, but still.......
did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
-
klondike
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
FOR CHIO:
Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?
He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the swimmer. To their surprise, however,the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and then escorted him safely to shore.
When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had gotten the two sharks to help him in such an amazing way; the lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."
FOR JUDITH:
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her final will & testament, & told her rabbi she had only two special requests: first, to be cremated, and second, to have her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.
"But why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.
"Because then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?
He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the swimmer. To their surprise, however,the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and then escorted him safely to shore.
When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had gotten the two sharks to help him in such an amazing way; the lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."
FOR JUDITH:
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her final will & testament, & told her rabbi she had only two special requests: first, to be cremated, and second, to have her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.
"But why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.
"Because then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
That is funny...we never go on vacation. Work, work, work!Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation....
Everyday people...that's what's wrong with the world. -- Morgan Morgan
I love movies. But don't get me wrong. I hate Hollywood. -- Orson Welles
Movies can only go forward in spite of the motion picture industry. -- Orson Welles
I love movies. But don't get me wrong. I hate Hollywood. -- Orson Welles
Movies can only go forward in spite of the motion picture industry. -- Orson Welles
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
FOR CHIO:
FOR JUDITH:
oh, sure, give the popular kids their own joke..... sniff.......
-
jdb1
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
That's Lawyerspeak. He really means: Talk, talk talk!!ChiO wrote:That is funny...we never go on vacation. Work, work, work!Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation....
-
klondike
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Judith, there's an old saying in New England that any town that's too small for one lawyer, is just the right size for two! 
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Traditional: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Non-traditional: Why did the chicken cross the road? To hold his pants up.
Mensa: Why did the chicken cross the road? She wanted to get there before the egg.
Non-traditional: Why did the chicken cross the road? To hold his pants up.
Mensa: Why did the chicken cross the road? She wanted to get there before the egg.
"I'm at my most serious when I'm joking." - Dudley
Don't sweat the petty things - don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things - don't pet the sweaty things.
-
jdb1
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Language in Action:
Grammar:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, ‘Yeah, right.’
Punctuation:
[What Gloria Wrote]
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria
[How it read after proper punctuation]
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
A Brief History of Medicine:
Doctor, doctor -- I have an earache!
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Grammar:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, ‘Yeah, right.’
Punctuation:
[What Gloria Wrote]
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria
[How it read after proper punctuation]
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
A Brief History of Medicine:
Doctor, doctor -- I have an earache!
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
-
klondike
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks; "I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks; "I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
-
jdb1
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
As was discussed on The Good News Thread yesterday, I have declared today "Tell a Cat Joke Day," with the approval of my cat, Evil Monty.
Here's a joke he likes:
Feline Physics:
Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of a can of at food.
Law of Cat Magnetism:
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Stretching:
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Obstruction:
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position so as to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration:
A cat will accelerate from 0 to 60 in one-tenth of a second for no apparent reason, until it gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Feline Resistance:
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for it to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats know instinctively that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will therefore wait for someone else to expend some on its behalf.
Second Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Comfort Aggregation:
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat.
Law of Lactic Consumption:
A cat will drink its weight in milk, squared, just to show you it can.
Law of Furniture Conservation:
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Deceleration:
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; generally the mid-section of a reclining human.
Law of Cat Engagement:
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest it.
Law of Cat Composition:
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + Why Should It Matter to Me.
Here's a joke he likes:
Feline Physics:
Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of a can of at food.
Law of Cat Magnetism:
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Stretching:
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Obstruction:
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position so as to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration:
A cat will accelerate from 0 to 60 in one-tenth of a second for no apparent reason, until it gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Feline Resistance:
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for it to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats know instinctively that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will therefore wait for someone else to expend some on its behalf.
Second Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Comfort Aggregation:
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat.
Law of Lactic Consumption:
A cat will drink its weight in milk, squared, just to show you it can.
Law of Furniture Conservation:
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Deceleration:
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; generally the mid-section of a reclining human.
Law of Cat Engagement:
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest it.
Law of Cat Composition:
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + Why Should It Matter to Me.
-
klondike
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
I have witnessed a reversal of that "law" which is so simple to enact, it does not even warrant desciption.jdb1 wrote: Law of Cat Obstruction:
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position so as to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
And now, on to something truly humorous:
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and proclaims to everyone in the bar that this octopus is so talented, he can play any musical instrument in the world. Everyone in the bar starts laughing & pointing, calling the man an idiot, but he remains confident, saying that he’ll wager $50 against anyone who can produce an instrument that his octopus can't play.
A fella walks up with a guitar, and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately, the octopus picks up the guitar and cuts loose, laying down riffs to beat the best of Jimi Hendrix; stunned, the guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and sure enough, the octopus grabs that horn and just smokes away on it, better than even Miles Davis could; the trumpet owner sighs, and grudgingly pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with a set of bagpipes. He passes them to the octopus, who grasps them eagerly, fumbles around with them for a minute, and then sets them slowly back down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot cries; "Can ye nae plae that, then?"
The octopus looks up at him and says: "Play it? Man, I'm gonna take her home for the night as soon as I get her pajamas off!"