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Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Gosh! Do you think they need any cat-hands? I've always dreamed of living in the West, and making my living riding horses, and this sounds like a DREAM job!!!!! wowsers, Judith, thanks for pointing me in a new direction.. I'll let you guys know if I get the position. Can I use anyone here as a reference????
-
jdb1
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
The hard part, Knitty, will be finding cat-proof barbed wire for the herd.
Here is a House Cat Qualifying Exam:
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
1. Your supper.
2. Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat.
3. Something to keep you going till the real supper's ready.
4. Inedible and to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
1. You're in trouble - better not do it again.
2. Nothing - humans do this from time to time.
3. The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
4. It’s time to chew on the cable wire again.
Staircases are for:
1. Getting up to the human's bed at 4am.
2. Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
3. Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
4. All of the above.
Your human scolds you. You should:
1. Listen intently, even if you don't understand.
2. Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing.
3. Ignore him/her completely, as usual.
4. Encourage their cute behavior by moving on to the next annoying activity.
Mice, birds and bugs should be:
1. Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed).
2. Played with (until they stop moving).
3. Presented to your human as a proud trophy.
4. Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping.
A human giving you a bath should be considered:
1. Under no circumstances.
2. An act of war.
3. Both 1 and 2, above.
Your human's value to you is limited to:
1. Providing food.
2. Providing water.
3. Letting you out.
4. Leaving you alone.
5. All of the above; once they are properly trained.
Here is a House Cat Qualifying Exam:
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
1. Your supper.
2. Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat.
3. Something to keep you going till the real supper's ready.
4. Inedible and to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
1. You're in trouble - better not do it again.
2. Nothing - humans do this from time to time.
3. The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
4. It’s time to chew on the cable wire again.
Staircases are for:
1. Getting up to the human's bed at 4am.
2. Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
3. Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
4. All of the above.
Your human scolds you. You should:
1. Listen intently, even if you don't understand.
2. Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing.
3. Ignore him/her completely, as usual.
4. Encourage their cute behavior by moving on to the next annoying activity.
Mice, birds and bugs should be:
1. Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed).
2. Played with (until they stop moving).
3. Presented to your human as a proud trophy.
4. Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping.
A human giving you a bath should be considered:
1. Under no circumstances.
2. An act of war.
3. Both 1 and 2, above.
Your human's value to you is limited to:
1. Providing food.
2. Providing water.
3. Letting you out.
4. Leaving you alone.
5. All of the above; once they are properly trained.
-
jdb1
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Sorry, gentlemen, but it has to be said:
Cats vs. Men:
--A cat never comes home drunk after being out all night with friends.
--A man won't willingly wear a bell so you know where is he all the time.
--You can stroke a cat without him automatically expecting sex.
--When a cat comes in at midnight, it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.
--Cats never pretend they know how to fix what's broken.
--Your cat doesn't care what size your boobs are.
--Cats will love you even on bad hair days.
--Cats will rub your legs no matter how much cellulite you have.
--It's okay if your cat rubs up against the guests in your home.
--You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
--A cat is never late for dinner.
--Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags.
--You'll never get a call from you cat's ex.
--Your cat will never leave you for a younger women.
--Cats actually think with their heads.
--Cats can fend for themselves, any time, anywhere, and they never need a GPS.
--When a cat sleeps all day, it's cute.
But don't get me wrong -- I love dogs, too. Happy Tell a Cat Joke Day!
Cats vs. Men:
--A cat never comes home drunk after being out all night with friends.
--A man won't willingly wear a bell so you know where is he all the time.
--You can stroke a cat without him automatically expecting sex.
--When a cat comes in at midnight, it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.
--Cats never pretend they know how to fix what's broken.
--Your cat doesn't care what size your boobs are.
--Cats will love you even on bad hair days.
--Cats will rub your legs no matter how much cellulite you have.
--It's okay if your cat rubs up against the guests in your home.
--You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
--A cat is never late for dinner.
--Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags.
--You'll never get a call from you cat's ex.
--Your cat will never leave you for a younger women.
--Cats actually think with their heads.
--Cats can fend for themselves, any time, anywhere, and they never need a GPS.
--When a cat sleeps all day, it's cute.
But don't get me wrong -- I love dogs, too. Happy Tell a Cat Joke Day!
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
gee, Judith, I can hardly wait to see what holiday is up next....this one was great! Charlie the cat loved all the jokes, although she thought they were serious truths, and not open for negotiation.....and she thinks YOU are a wizard!
(Murphy and his new little bro, Buster just yawned and said "what's for dinner?")
(Murphy and his new little bro, Buster just yawned and said "what's for dinner?")
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Chico the Dog said: Woof!
Tinkerbell the Cat said: Prrrr...What was it that amused you? Is it time for dinner...NOW!
Tinkerbell the Cat said: Prrrr...What was it that amused you? Is it time for dinner...NOW!
Everyday people...that's what's wrong with the world. -- Morgan Morgan
I love movies. But don't get me wrong. I hate Hollywood. -- Orson Welles
Movies can only go forward in spite of the motion picture industry. -- Orson Welles
I love movies. But don't get me wrong. I hate Hollywood. -- Orson Welles
Movies can only go forward in spite of the motion picture industry. -- Orson Welles
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Judith, Oh, man. I almost missed tell a cat joke day.
Monty looks just like our Black Meg - spider hunter extraordinaire.
I just went outside and the outdoor cat, Whisper (who should have been named Whiner) was carrying around her prey - a baby bunny.
I do not deal well with the circle of life.
Re: The Staircase Rule -
Assume that if you never hear from me again that Black Meg and Elizabeth Taylor finally done me in, Baby Jane style.
What do you call an electric cat caller?
A Can Opener.
Time spent with a cat is never wasted.
Colette
Monty looks just like our Black Meg - spider hunter extraordinaire.
I just went outside and the outdoor cat, Whisper (who should have been named Whiner) was carrying around her prey - a baby bunny.
I do not deal well with the circle of life.
Re: The Staircase Rule -
Assume that if you never hear from me again that Black Meg and Elizabeth Taylor finally done me in, Baby Jane style.
What do you call an electric cat caller?
A Can Opener.
Time spent with a cat is never wasted.
Colette
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
To see my perspective on the aforementioned subject, just drop on by the Good News thread and see today's entry.
As always,
Hollis
As always,
Hollis
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
THE HAIRCUT
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.--
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.--
-
klondike
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Had to share this one with you all.
From today's installment of the comic strip "SHOE":
> You know the most remarkable thing about the Washington Monument?
> It doesn't even look like him!
From today's installment of the comic strip "SHOE":
> You know the most remarkable thing about the Washington Monument?
> It doesn't even look like him!
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...
But this one is real, and it's important.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT !! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
But this one is real, and it's important.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT !! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
-
klondike
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
No, you see, having no cat in my household (jdb1 wrote: Monty says: Did you tell a cat joke today?
), I couldn't do that - so instead, I went out to my porch and sprayed the neighbor's cats with my garden hose.Man, those guys can move really fast!
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
"ALL PUNS INTENDED"
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
-
jdb1
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Some words of wisdom from some wise men:
Books are fatal: they are the curse of the human race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, and the clever books are the refutation of that nonsense.
Benjamin Disraeli
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
Benjamin Franklin
--Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
--I never think of the future -- it comes soon enough.
Albert Einstein
An order that can be misunderstood, will be misunderstood.
Napoleon Bonaparte
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Oscar Wilde
There are some sluggish men who are improved by drinking; as there are fruits that are not good until they are rotten.
Samuel Johnson
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
Winston Churchill
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
James M. Barrie
A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company.
Charles Evans Hughes
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Books are fatal: they are the curse of the human race. Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, and the clever books are the refutation of that nonsense.
Benjamin Disraeli
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
Benjamin Franklin
--Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
--I never think of the future -- it comes soon enough.
Albert Einstein
An order that can be misunderstood, will be misunderstood.
Napoleon Bonaparte
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Oscar Wilde
There are some sluggish men who are improved by drinking; as there are fruits that are not good until they are rotten.
Samuel Johnson
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
Winston Churchill
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
James M. Barrie
A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company.
Charles Evans Hughes
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright