Paddy's is in his barn dancing naked in front of a tractor when Mick walks in.
Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....
Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Paddy------I`m ready for a holiday, but this year will be different.
Three years ago I went to Spain, and Mary got pregnant.
Two years ago I went to Italy, and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca, and Mary got pregnant.
Mick------So what will you do different this year?
Paddy-----I`ll take her with me!
Three years ago I went to Spain, and Mary got pregnant.
Two years ago I went to Italy, and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca, and Mary got pregnant.
Mick------So what will you do different this year?
Paddy-----I`ll take her with me!
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
She stood naked in front of the mirror, looking at her breasts. Seeking some form of reassurance she said to her husband, “My breasts are too small, what can I do about it”?
But instead of telling her that There was nothing wrong with her breasts, they were really very nice, he said “Why don`t you try the toilet paper treatment”?
She--”The toilet paper treatment”?
He--”Yes, just rub a piece of toilet paper between your breasts every day for a few moments .
She--” Do you really think that will work”?
He---”It worked for your bum didn`t it”?
I suppose he will get out of hospital one day
But instead of telling her that There was nothing wrong with her breasts, they were really very nice, he said “Why don`t you try the toilet paper treatment”?
She--”The toilet paper treatment”?
He--”Yes, just rub a piece of toilet paper between your breasts every day for a few moments .
She--” Do you really think that will work”?
He---”It worked for your bum didn`t it”?
I suppose he will get out of hospital one day
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Make sure you watch it until after the credits....About three minutes
http://vimeo.com/user4110239/bob-film
http://vimeo.com/user4110239/bob-film
-
Rita Hayworth
- Posts: 10068
- Joined: February 6th, 2011, 4:01 pm
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
(You women have no idea how true this is)!
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:$24.00
Coffee: Complimentary
TOTAL: $24.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:$24.00
Coffee: Complimentary
TOTAL: $24.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
How Old is Grandma ?
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..
The Grandmother replied,
"Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandfather and I got married first, .. .... ... And then we lived together..
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, day-care centres’, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege...
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a ‘meaningful relationship’ meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the Prime Minister's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam....
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had the cheap stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 pence.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a tram, and a Pepsi were all small change.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your copper coins on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Ford Coupe for what is now $600, . .. . But who could afford one?
Too bad, because petrol was about 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' "chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
How old do you think I am?”
I bet you have this old person in mind....you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready ?????
Grandma is 59 years old.
GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.......
PASS THIS ON TO THE OLD ONES, THE YOUNG ONES JUST WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.!
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..
The Grandmother replied,
"Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandfather and I got married first, .. .... ... And then we lived together..
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, day-care centres’, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege...
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a ‘meaningful relationship’ meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the Prime Minister's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam....
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had the cheap stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 pence.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a tram, and a Pepsi were all small change.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your copper coins on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Ford Coupe for what is now $600, . .. . But who could afford one?
Too bad, because petrol was about 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' "chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
How old do you think I am?”
I bet you have this old person in mind....you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready ?????
Grandma is 59 years old.
GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.......
PASS THIS ON TO THE OLD ONES, THE YOUNG ONES JUST WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.!
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Homeless Man's Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
His request approved, the CNN News photographer
quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport
to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane
would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane
warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed
the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make
low passes so I can take pictures
of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN',
he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
"Life is short.
Drink the good wine first."
quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport
to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane
would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane
warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed
the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make
low passes so I can take pictures
of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN',
he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
"Life is short.
Drink the good wine first."
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Subject: Fw: Paraprosdokians--Happy New Year
Here is the definition: of "paraprosdokian".:
"A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence
or
phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a
humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is an example of a
paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still
on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in
public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and
then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal
from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that
says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming
you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the
fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that
way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone
down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in
such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when
you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of
lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the
Fire Department usually uses water.
Here is the definition: of "paraprosdokian".:
"A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence
or
phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a
humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is an example of a
paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still
on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in
public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and
then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal
from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that
says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming
you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the
fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that
way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone
down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in
such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when
you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of
lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the
Fire Department usually uses water.
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
I beg to differ because there is. When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE" And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... "COMPLETELY FINISHED"
I beg to differ because there is. When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE" And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... "COMPLETELY FINISHED"
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
American Football and the Blonde[/b]
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
My Neighbour
She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!
She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
While on a road trip, an elderly couple
Stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the
Restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
Left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
Miss them until they had been driving for
About forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they
Had to travel quite a distance before
They could find a place to turn
Around, in order to return to the restaurant
To retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband
Became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and
Scolded his wife relentlessly during the
Entire return drive. The more he
Chided her, the more agitated he became. He
Just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the
Car, and hurried inside to retrieve
Her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well
Get my hat and the credit card".
Stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the
Restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
Left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
Miss them until they had been driving for
About forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they
Had to travel quite a distance before
They could find a place to turn
Around, in order to return to the restaurant
To retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband
Became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and
Scolded his wife relentlessly during the
Entire return drive. The more he
Chided her, the more agitated he became. He
Just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the
Car, and hurried inside to retrieve
Her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well
Get my hat and the credit card".
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Tap on the Shoulder
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .
Railroad tracks.
The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.*
*Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.*
*Why did 'they' use that gauge then?**Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.*
*
Why did the wagons have that particular* *Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts ..**
*
So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.*
*
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.*
*
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.*
*So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right.*
*Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses ...*
*Now, the twist to the story:*
*
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah*.
*
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.*
*
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature
Of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over* *_two thousand years ago_**by the width of a horse's ass.*
*And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!*
*
Now you know, Horses' Asses control almost everything...*
*Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?*
The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.*
*Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.*
*Why did 'they' use that gauge then?**Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.*
*
Why did the wagons have that particular* *Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts ..**
*
So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.*
*
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.*
*
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.*
*So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right.*
*Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses ...*
*Now, the twist to the story:*
*
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah*.
*
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.*
*
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature
Of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over* *_two thousand years ago_**by the width of a horse's ass.*
*And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!*
*
Now you know, Horses' Asses control almost everything...*
*Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?*