Sailor walks into a bar . . .

[Fossy]

A conversation in heaven

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

[Fossy]

> Subject: Winter Morning
>
> Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."
>
>
>
> Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
>
>
>
> Wife texts back: "Computer completely stuffed now."

[Fossy]

Subject: BUS RIDE.......



DRINKING & DRIVING - A SAFETY TIP

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.Some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities

on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the

Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and a few shots.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something

I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise;

as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[Fossy]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's Cairns, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, rivers and waterfalls, and days filled with sunshine. The mountains rising to the tableland above are covered with lush rainforest and abundant wild life. There are beautiful beaches, and just offshore is the magnificent Great Barrier Reef. People from Cairns are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............
_________________________________________

[Rita Hayworth]

Bathroom Commode

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply

Dear Madam I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
Campground Owner

[knitwit45]

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

[Fossy]

Retirement Irish Style
>
>>
>> Working people frequently ask retired people what
>> they do to make their days interesting.
>> Well, for example, the other day, Mamie my wife and I
>> went into town and visited a shop. We were only in
>> there for about 5 minutes. When we came out,
>> there was a garda writing out a parking ticket.
>>
>> We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, Guard,
>> how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
>> He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
>> I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started
>> writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
>>
>> So Mamie called him a s*** head. He finished the
>> second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
>> Then he started writing a third ticket.
>> This went on for about 20 minutes.
>> The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
>>
>> Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
>> and went home. We try to have a little fun each day
>> now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
>>
>>
>>

[hbenthow]

During a battle, a soldier whose leg had been shot off told another soldier about his injury, and asked him to carry him to the rear. The other soldier picked him up and started carrying him. Bullets and cannon-balls were flying all around, and a cannonball hit the wounded man, and knocked his head off, but the other soldier didn't notice. Soon, he was he was stopped by an officer, who said:

"Where are you going with that carcass?"

"To the rear, sir - he's lost his leg!"

"His leg? You mean his head, you idiot."

The soldier put the carcass down, and looked down at it in a confused manner. After a while, he said:

"It is true, sir, just as you have said. But he TOLD me IT WAS HIS LEG!!!!"

[moira finnie]

Ha! And ooh, that sounds like All Quiet on the Western Front style humor, Hardwicke! It's good to see you posting.

[hbenthow]

Ha! And ooh, that sounds like All Quiet on the Western Front style humor, Hardwicke!

It's a joke Mark Twain included in an essay on how to tell a funny story. Interestingly, it was one of his examples on how not to tell one, but I still think it's pretty good.

[Sue Sue Applegate]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,

“Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

(Blatantly stolen from someone's facebook page...)

[knitwit45]

Answering machine message:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring
enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


Aspire to inspire before you expire.


My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.


Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.


Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.


The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know
your way around, you're not going anywhere.


God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.


I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting
harder to find one.


Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

[Fossy]

Bill and Bob were riding along on their cycles.

Bill--That`s a great bike you have, when did you get it.

Bob--I got it yesterday. I was just walking through the park when a beautiful girl rode past on it. She stopped, put the bike down, took off all her clothes and said "Help yourself to whatever you want".

Bill-- Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn`t have fitted, anyway.

[moira finnie]

I don't think this was a real news item....do you?

[knitwit45]

Four guys had a standing yearly golf vacation. This year, Ralph's wife put her foot down.
"You are NOT GOING", she said.
Ralph broke the news to his friends, who were upset by the news, but decided to go anyway.

One week later, when they arrived at the resort, they found Ralph waiting for them in a golf cart.

"Ralphie boy! How did you manage to get away???"

"Well", said Ralph, "Last night, my wife finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey. She pulled me into the
bedroom, where she had handcuffs and ropes".

" 'Tie me up and do anything you want!' she said...

So here I am!"