Sparatacus Invitational and Ben-Hur Charity Race

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Sparatacus Invitational and Ben-Hur Charity Race

Post by Lzcutter »


To: Dean Finnie, Dean of the Classic Cinema College

From LzCutter, Dean of the School of Film Preservation and Film Restoration

Re: Prof. Heston

Dear M,

I have a feeling that you have not heard about the latest controversy concerning Prof. Charlton Heston and Agricultural Landscape Professor Robert Ito. As you know, each year Heston insists upon blazing a different path for his annual Ben-Hur Charity/Chariot Race. If it wasn't for Charity, I suspect we would have shut it down years ago.

Well, we may want to give that some thought this year. Not since Prof. Richard Boone went on a kidnapping spree a few years back have we had such havoc.

Prof. Heston outlined his Charity/Chariot Race to go through the Japanese Gardens this year. Well, you can imagine how well that went over. Professor Emeritus Sessue Hawakaya went into a very bad case of the vapors when he heard of Heston's plans to bulldoze the Tranquility Gardens for his race path this year.

Klondike's repeated efforts to keep the peace have fallen on deaf ears. Or should I say, one deaf ego. You know how headstrong Heston can be when he gets a plan into his head. He absolutely refuses to listen to other routes or other ideas. We have even had Prof. Emeritus Ramon Navarro talk to him to no avail.

The Architectural Landscapers, headed by Prof. Ito, are refusing to let Heston have his way (and I have to say, I agree with them). They are now talking (loudly) about approaching Professors T0shiro Mifune and Yul Brynner about protecting the Tranquility Gardens.

This could lead to a very serious stand-off. I have been in touch with Sue-Sue Applegate over in Communications and, of course, the Spartacus Invitational and Ben-Hur Charity/Chariot Race are extremely popular with the alumni. All the hotels and MrsL's B&B are booked solid for the weekend (likely fueled by Heston's bragging of a resurrection on Easter Sunday).

Any ideas how we keep the peace between the Architectural Landscape Department and our preening Prof. Heston? Because, I have to tell you, the idea of Mifune gathering Seven Samuri or Brynner gathering his version of a Magnificent Seven to deal with Heston does sound tempting but will probably polarize the alumni and take the focus off the planned events for the upcoming Holiday weekend and could impact alumni donations.

Which would cause Sheldrake to go apoplectic.

Any ideas?


Dean lzCutter
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Re: Sparatacus Invitational and Ben-Hur Charity Race

Post by mrsl »

To: LzCutter, Dean of the School of Film Preservation and Film Restoration

From: Mrsl: Proprietress of the Bed and Breakfast on Campus

BCC: Prof. Heston

Most thoughtful Dean Cutter:

All of this fuss over Professor Hestons' preferences is causing much ado about nothing. Has anyone considered using the old firing range? Since guns are basically unlawful now, we have little need to keep it in condition. It is certainly large enough and wide open enough to allow such a wild and woolly race as one for chariots. If he insists on going through the Japanese tranquility gardens, he is doing so only for spite because of the little misunderstanding concerning the use of Prof. Hayakawa's Mitsubischi as a target. Professor Heston's children's paint gun wars did quite a lot of damage and Prof. Hayakawa had to report him to the Chamber of Commerce to be reimbursed. You know that Mr. Heston was terribly unkind about that. After all, this is a tranquility garden we're talking about, peace and harmony, and best kept away from Prof. Hayakawa's notice.

If Prof. Heston insists on flowers being present, we can always line the lanes with flowers. I'm sure with a little thought we could come up with a sort of hanging garden appearance. Although we always know the trials would end up as Prof. Errol Flynn vs. Prof. Kevin Costner on ability, we often had up to 10 contestants with lanes up to 20 feet wide to encompass wild shots.

I truly think we should consider having some men of strong masculine attitudes talk to Mr. Heston. I agree he is a very fierce man when challenged, as he has proven with water and locusts, but I believe the sight of the likes of Mr. Wayne, Mr. Bogart, Mr. Mitchum, and several others who are used to handling unruly horses and cattle, would make him assent to a quieter discussion.

Do you agree?

* * * * * * * * What is past is prologue. * * * * * * * *

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